


Out, Out, Damn Bunnies!

by The Raven Sennin (The_Raven_Sennin)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Naruto
Genre: odds and ends file
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-04-14
Updated: 2012-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-03 15:41:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Raven_Sennin/pseuds/The%20Raven%20Sennin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Various snippets I need to get out of my head. May make them full stories someday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Out out, damn bunny, #1: Custom demands I attempt a SELF INSERT

I woke up and thought, fuck. Talon was right. Ending up in another reality was rather simple. Not as psychologically taxing as you'd think.

Fiction diving. We all do it. 

There's a sort of... fidelity when you become part of a story. If you push it too hard, you end up classed with Raven whatever the fuck of My Immortal fame and most of the "Sailor Earths" out there. God mode character. Totally useless, because they break immersion and you end up ejected from the story by the audience's disbelief.

On the other hand, get too in sync, and things that happen to you in story will carry over.

Hell, Grant Morrison referred to King Mob in The Invisibles as his "fiction suit". Mob was how he took part in the story he was writing. And, he claimed once in a Disinformation Company interview, how he ended up with a nasty near fatal infection.

That was the danger. After that, Morrison decided to give Mob girls to shag and fun to have. I can't blame him.

But like I said, Andrew J. Talon is right. You merge with the 'you' in whatever reality you've plopped into-- he called them "others"-- and the transition is never that bad. If anything, some things can be better-- my sister still has her kids here, my dad and step mother met earlier. My older sister's in Nami rather than Iceland.

I've got a pleasant weight on my chest. She's named Anko.

Now before you peg me as an S&M blood play fetishist-- that depends on what Anko you get, doesn't it? The one I'm in bed with is a woman who, yeah, likes to freak out people that ignore her. She also likes conducting tea ceremonies as a hobby, thinks it funny her name is like the name for sweet red bean paste, and was actually rather shy in bed our first time together. Physical intimacy is important to her. Almost sacred.

My Other won her heart with sweat bean soup. She's warm, and makes me happy I'm here, and we let each other live.

A lot of that is in her official profile. Most of her typical fandom persona is fanon, made up to fill gaps.

Now, however, instead of a character I have occasional PSL for, she's a real woman. And that stirs all the complexity of feeling and possiblity ink and paper can only invoke by proxy.

Anko is sound asleep as I let my life here in Konoha drift through me.

Hoshino Michi. "Star Plain Pathway", if you translate the kanji. Twenty-six. Got my jounin promotion a good five years after Kakashi and two years before Gai. Often seen in the company of the aforementioned Maito Gai and Hatake Kakashi. Nicknamed (among other things) the Chuunin Maker, because all four of the teams I've sensei'd (does that word /have/ a verb form, really?) made the rank at their first exam. And they didn't hate me after.

I'm also a holder of the Sutagaigan. That was a new one.

"Sutagaigan."

Oh, sweet fucking reason and rhyme, *there's* psychological taxing! I stiffen after the initial thrash. Too late.

And besides, given my fucking eyes are radiating light--

Hands reach up, cover my eyes. "Did you turn them on in your sleep again?" Anko asks.

I take a breath. "No. Woke up disorientated and activated the damn thing when I thought about it."

She gains an amused tone. "Oh ho. So the man with the stars in his eyes--"

"Sutagaigan: Koumyou!" I declare, and I have her on her back in a moment. I take her in, her shapely body, that damn cursed seal, her rather nice breasts squishing and seperating under gravity, that perfect navel...

And an after image of her, belly full of our child, without her Sensei's mark, smiling up at me as she now.

"What do you see?" she asks.

I close my eyes and shut down the flow of chakra to the doujutsu. "Let's just say I'm sure today's not a 'safe day'."

There's a moment's silence. Then:

"I was hoping it wasn't."

I open my eyes, and damn it, she's so open just then that my Other and I are united in one thought.

/If she looks at me like that any longer, I'll never leave her./

I look at the clock, and back at her. "I have two hours to meet the Hokage. You want to be... unsafe a bit more?"

Her smile is worth the pay for a thousand S-Ranks. And so's the kissing and cuddling and the oh look scene break!

* * *

I'm looking in the mirror while Anko showers. I've just shaved-- though I don't do it as often as my poor father, allergic to his own hair as he is. I wipe the steam away from the mirror just to see clearly. I study my highly evolved Star Eye.

Sutagaigan. Suta Gaida -gan, to spell it out. Star Guide Eye. It shows possible futures based on the knowledge at hand. All the Sutagaigan jutsus involve modifying the sight, essentially blinding it certain ways to filter its input. The one I used earlier is Koumyou-- "right future". It limits me to the best possible outcome of events. 

We have just admitted we both want kids. Badly.

Shut up. 

They're fun to make.

The colour of my eyes are inverted. White pupil, and a black "white". And no real iris, especially at my level.

The pupil in the initial state of the Sutagaigan takes on-- it's the shape a jewelery maker would use for a star or sun motif, you know? A circle with points jutting out of it like rays of light, and two longer ones out of opposite ends-- the left and right in this case. To suggest a twinkle.

Around that for the "normal" level are the eisei, the "satellite" stars. They develop over time at two, six, and ten o'clock around the pupil.

Then there was the Seiza Sutagaigan-- the Constellation Star Guide Eye. Like the Mangekyou, the Seiza takes on a unique pattern-- it connects the eisei and sometimes the pupil to create it.

Then there's what I have-- Mugen no Seiza Sutagaigan, the Infinite Constellion Star Guide Eye. First, another set of eisei develop at twelve, four, and 8 o'clock, and then the get connected to the seiza, making a more complex constellation.

Mine's taken the shape of a six point star outline surrounding the iris. It's neat. And I didn't have to kill anyone or steal a sibling's eye to get it.

Right now, my Mugen no Seiza is dim. The more active, the brighter it shines.

I'm grabbed by strong hands-- and fuck, Anko's not 'strong but soft'. Her hands are those of a soldier, rough and worn.

Feel damn good to me.

She drags me into the shower and more things I don't feel like sharing happen.

* * *

I'm still smiling as I walk down the streets of Konoha. Fuck, yeah, I'm skipping the rooftops. This me doesn't has a bum knee, I'm goings to enjoy /walking/.

Konoha... is amazing. We call them Hidden Villages, but really-- it's a military base and the attendant community. Everybody here is either a nin, related to one, or somehow supports the nin that form the basis of the town's livelihood. And we want as many of our nin to come back safe as possible. The city was made to fit right in to its forest by the Shodai, so there's the great mix of urban and small town--

"MICHI! How are you, my eternal sempai!"

I turn and give the Green Beast of Konoha a smirk. "I was just wondering how hard it would be to poison our water supply, and how many would die before we got it under control. I see 999 ways to die from it so far."

Gai shakes his head at me. "How grim and dour of you. From your smile I thought perhaps Mitarashi-san had for once fanned your flames of youth too high for such things!"

I snort. "As likely as Kakashi dropping the cool and hip bit, Gai-kun."

There's a gulping sound, and then he gives a loud, deep laugh. "Indeed," he says, making a show of composing himself.

But that's how it is with us three-- Gai injecting what he sees as much needed "fun" drama, Kakashi acting like he gives a millionth of the fuck he actually does, and me being a morbid death fetishist.

We've been the best of friends for years, possibly second only to our teams in that case.

"So, where are you headed this most youthful morning, Michi-sempai?"

"Got an early morning meeting with the Hokage," I say. "At first I thought it was another team selection, but--

"Mm. Yes. The rest of us that put in for genin or have them are meeting at 0800 so we may youthfully wait for Kakashi to show up at 1000 at the latest."

"Right," I say with a smile. "I'm in at 0745, which means there's something else."

"Mission?" Gai suggested.

"It'd have to be pretty big," I mused. "Dad was always better using this eye of ours in combat, and once or twice when I've suggested helping with gathering intelligence... the Hokage likes me in town to help with logistics, the big picture. It's what I'm best at. Least when I'm not acting as sensei."

Gai frowned. "Yes, yes, you are an excellent teacher..." He makes a gesture, and I feel a light tingle. Low level genjutsu so we are ignored. About a quarter as taxing as the Sunset of Youth. And /Lee/ can manage that one... but not most others.

"... have you heard what happened at the Academy?"

I have to pause as I tune Gai back in and compare the knowledge I as a reader have to what Michi as an actual resident has. Lucky me, I had an reason to know. I focus a moment, layering a heavier privacy genjutsu on top of Gai's. "Yes. Shika-sama called me in and briefed me, and I was there when Ibiki-san interrogated the traitor with Inochi." I feel my jaw tighten. "That someone like that was that close to our kids..."

"Iruka from the Academy--" he begins quietly, and I am so fucking glad my hearing is 100% here. Comes from my mom not getting a chance to fuck my right ear up, I guess. But yeah, Gai does have a setting other than "loudspeaker emulator".

"I know him. We're both Ichiraku addicts," I say sheepishly.

"A most youthful part of a balanced diet. Iruka has voiced concerns that some unyouthful systemic issues are causing our training to fall behind others. Suna and Kiri have both altered their graduation criteria, and there's other... unyouthful signs. When he heard this, our Hokage acted most youthfully, stating he would put a Jounin in charge of the academy. He then promoted Iruka-san to jounin."

I grin. "That's a good idea." So good, I used Kakashi for it in a fic. "And you think my early meeting... oh," I say, realisation dawning.

"They are already calling this year's crop the Promising Shoots and Leaves'," Gai said.

He was being too serious. "Many would add the promising and youthful Team Gai," I amend. Ah, that got him in modest mode. Good. "So... you think that Hokage-sama might be seeking to insure... harmony not just between team mates, but among all our forces. Heh."

"Indeed. A most youthful idea."

"I guess it may help them put off dying," I said evenly. "I can see 999,999 ways they could so far.

Gai shot me a look of disappointment that was all sizzle, no steak. "Grim and dour," he chided.

* * *

I walk into the Hokage's office, and wait for him to look up. He does, and activates his doujutsu. I activate mine, and we gaze at each other a few moments, Sharingan to Sutogaigan.

Sorry, did I forget to mention Itachi is the Godaime? What, you thought inserting a whole clan into this world wouldn't have ripple effects?

A few highlights:

Danzou is dead, having sacrificed himself to kill Orochimaru when Hiruzen could not-- that one causes an unexpected pang of sadness as he was my sensei, and whoa, that bears looking into;

one of our most wanted criminals is Uchiha Tobirama a/k/a Tobi a/k/a the GOOD Boy a/k/a the arsehole great grandson of Madara whose parents named him after the Nidaime Hokage and who wants to fucking level us;

Jaraiya's adopted son Nagato is the Jounin- Oyabun of our allies in Ame, and he sends his dear cousin Naruto a frankly obscene number of gifts-- seriously, a 12 year old needs a singing rice stalk? Anyone does? (The Uzumaki-- crazy, but the lovable kind);

the day Itachi introduced himself simply as "your Godaime, Itachi," Fugaku turned to my dad with barely supressed tears of pride.

"He's telling them he belongs to all of us now, not just my clan," the man explained.

And my father clapped his long time friend on the back and smiled the smile that promised eternal patience and understanding.

Hiruzen? He's busy being a grandpa to Konohamaru and Naruto while his daughter Asuka and son-in-law Nara Shinichi raise the two brats. He advises Itachi along with his two surviving students-- who disappear a week every four months to gamble, drink, and perv their way across the elemental nations. Though good luck getting Tsunade to admit to the perving.

I'm inclined to agree with Hiruzen-sama-- the Sannin got the better retirement plan.

Some how, between those four, the Jounin Council, Clan Councils, and Civilian Councils... this weird hybrid government city-state military base of ours keeps running.

Only one of those things has any direct causal roots to my clan, though. And it happened before Itachi or myself were born. The connection between the Uchiha and the Hiroshino allowed the Uchiha to learn to use drugs to 'evolve' the Sharingan as we did the Sutagaigan. Good bye years of patricide, matricide, fratricide, and ... sororicide? The word for sister murder. Hello, family harmony.

Tobirama-kun counts this as a crime, of course. "Wah, you've made it so the Uchiha no longer have to kill each other to gain power! Wah, that means there's more of them happy and healthy! Wah, that makes them weaker! Wah, you recognized Hatake as an honourary member but put me in the clan rolls just to strike me from the clan rolls! Wah, I want a Rinnegan like Nagato! Wah, pay attention to me, I'm emo!"

Ahem. Sorry. Tobi's... easy to mock.

Why then am I, the Chuunin no Meika, now having a stare off with Konoha no Megumi (Konoha's Grace)?

Fun Fact: At equivelant levels and user skill, Sutagaigan and Sharingan cancel each other's abilities out. If you know how, one tomoe can cancel the power of a first level eisei and vice versa, you see?

Some guess this indicates a common root, but actually the Sutagaigan is not derrived from the Rinnegan, any more than the Byakugan is. As far as anyone can tell... it's just one of those things. We share a parent doujutsu with the Hyuuga, actually. Name escapes me at the moment.

Right now? I'm flashing my magic ninja eyes at the kid that use to call me Mi-nee, and his eyes are spinning at me. His is Eternal, mine is Infinite... and neither of them are doing sweet FA.

Yes. This does amuse us to no end.

He reaches down without breaking his gaze and tosses a pen at me. I catch it before it hits my nose, naked blade capture style.

Because c'mon, Kage and high level Jounin here.

"We should do this at the next Shodai festival," I say.

"Hn." He's smirking. That's akin to a small smile from an Aburame. Which is like a chuckle from most people. We deactivate our doujutsu at the same time.

"So... you want me to ride herd master over our jounin-sensei...?" I say, picking up a few pieces of paper off his desk, finding my mission order and neatly replacing the others.

"That's not how I'd put it, Hiroshino-san," he says, grabbing the sole file folder on said desk.

You see, Itachi's desk is basically empty. It usually is. He only lets papers pile for the same reason Hiruzen did-- to look busy. Either to give the impression of lacking time or to get the audience in the right mood to work themselves.

"How would you--" I blink at the misson orders. "You want me to select teams and sensei? You're..."

"Delegating the whole damn thing to you? Yes." He's smiling. My Hokage, the bastard, has a small smile. 

His version of full on evil laughing.

"You... you bastard..." And I would have left it at that, but the door opened, and I felt some familiar chakra behind me.

"Kei! Kenji" I say, turning toward the entering Jounin duo of Yamada and Yamada. They show up a lot in alternate Konoha, which makes me think Blot found them diving himself. "This-- this Hokage!"

Kei blinks as I grip her shoulders. She's got red hair today and a scar on her nose I don't /think/ was there yesterday. "Yes. Itachi is in fact our Kage."

"No, you don't understand!"

Kenji smirks. "Perhaps explain," he asked dryly as the other Jounin Sensei and potentials filed in. Him, he looks every inch a Nami fisherman. "After releasing my wife."

"Yes, my husband gave me this shirt. You are mussing it."

"Oh, sorry dear lady. BUT! This-- amoral son of a police man-- do you know what he has condemned me to?"

"Pray tell," Kei prompted, as she and Yuuhi Kurenai traded an amused smirk.

"He has set a task before me no Kage should ask of a nin under his command," I say solemnly, gazing off randomly into space.

Gai comes to stand beside me. "Now, now, my youthfully starred sempai. I'm sure it cannot be as bad as you say."

"He's... delegated assigning and managing Jounin Sensei to me, Gai."

Gai slams his palms on the desk. "I have never thought my Hokage... MAD before..."

Maito Gai, everybody. Can out do Shatner and Blessed in the space of minutes.

"Why is Gai declaring Itachi-sama mad?" Kakashi asks, having arrived late at the perfect moment.

"He's put Michi in charge of assigning and managing Jounin Sensei," a... non-canon sensei candidate I don't know the name of says. Honest, some scenes are a lot more crowded that Kishimoto cares to draw or name everyone there.

"Ah," Kakashi says. Then he slides closer to me. "You open for bribes yet?"

Gai shoves him aside, glaring at him. "Kakashi! Can you not /see/ past your own needs and understand how this will destroy Sempai?"

Kakashi, of course, already has a book out. "You say something, Gai?"

"This is no time to be cool and hip!" Gai chides him. "He and Anko are planning a family! Do you wish to see him be a doddering wreck, unable to be a father to the most youthful next generation of the Hishino clan?"

"Gai... he has earned this," Itachi said flatly.

"What? What unyouthful crime--"

"No, Gai.." I say gently. "I have done my job too well and this... tyrant sees me as a threat."

There's scattered chuckling. Itachi is a tyrant the way Ame is arid.

"But--" Gai says forlornly.

"No. There is no hope."

"No hope," Kakashi whispers in snark echo.

"I am clearly doomed 999, 999, 999 ways," I continue.

"So doomed," Kakashi confirms.

"By this time next year, I'll be ... done for."

"Stick a kunai in him," Kakashi murmurs.

I smile evily. "But I will have revenge."

"Sweet, sweet vengence," Kakashi says, smirking over the top of his book.

"Oh?" Itachi asks.

I just smile. "Do I get an office? I think if I'm going to be in charge of the Jounin Sensei, I should get an office." I turn to the assembly before me. "After I handle a few things... you be summoned there for one on ones."


	2. Out, Out, Dam Bunny: Making a game of it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you like games, Harry?"

He remembered dying as the Dark Lord fell. Killed not by Voldemort himself, but by a cutting curse. Caster was Crabbe's father-- who was promptly blasted to heck and back by spellfire. Oddly, as he fell, Harry thought he saw some of the Death Eaters among those putting the elder Crabbe down.

He remembered Luna smiling at him, holding his hand as Ginny cradled his head and Hermione screamed at him not to go. Ron assuring him that yes, he did it. Neville's sad smile as he knelt beside him.

 _I hope... I wish..._ Harry thought as he died. _I wish I could relax a bit after all this. If it is the Next Great Adventure... just let it be a fun one._

* * *

"Do you like games, Harry?"

Harry blinked. The voice was... a little snarky, to be honest. Female. Sounded like a teenager.

"Pardon?"

"Do you like games?"

He blinked again. "Not the first question I thought I'd be asked by whatever was next in the Next Great Adventure. Are you... God?"

"Oh, no. No, no, no," the voice said with a laugh.

"Oh."

"No, that's my Niece, Kasumi."

"... okay..." Harry said.

"Won it in a tournament the last guy who ran the Multiverse held. For the best, really, Dad was a decent deity in his day but he was getting on. Kasumi, though. Her mother and father are so proud of Her."

"I see..."

"So do you like games, Mr. Potter?"

Harry bit his lip. "I... yes. When I could enjoy them, I did."

"Ever play a video game?"

"... no. No, Dudley never let me play his. And they really didn't have them in the Wizarding World."

"Would you like a chance to play one now?"

"... I get to spend my afterlife playing video games."

"Oh, just to start. I certainly don't expect a game to keep your interest forever, Harry. But... if I can give you a chance to do even just a few of the things you didn't get to during your life... well, I was kind of put in charge of you, now. If I can make your next great adventure a reward for your last one, I'd be happier myself."

Harry smiled. The voice was like Ginny, bugging her brothers to spend time with her... or Ron asking for a game of chess.

"... actually, that sounds fun."

"Excellent! And since this is your next great adventure, you're going to be playing a super awesome, ultra immersive game!"

Harry sighed. "One request?"

"Yes...?"

"No wizards."

The voice laughed. "Oh, Harry! I'd never make you do things the exact same way you did in life and call it an adventure!"

"Thank you for that," Harry said.

"No problem, Harry. Now, you won't hear me while you play; but I'll keep an eye on you and turn up if you get really stuck. I'm starting the game now..."

Harry felt the presence... recede, for lack of another term... and everything dim to black.

Then, a set of words appeared before him, like a logo from one of the game boxes Dudley owned.

` **NINJAS OF THE LEAF:  
WILL OF FIRE**`

``

` START  
INSTALLATION DETAILS`

 

Harry frowned a moment, then touched `INSTALLATION DETAILS.` The words disappeared and were replaced by a new set that floated before him at a comfortable reading distance.

` **Main Game: V 8.65  
Expansions:  
Boar, Deer, Butterfly  
Dog, Bug, Swallow  
Caged Bird, Young Beast, Heavenly Seals  
Against Ame  
Precious People** `

` Rating Cap: SS  
Rank Cap: Kage` ``

`BACK`

 

He didn't know what half that meant. He hit `BACK` and the first display reappeared. He touched `START`.

The space he was in made him think of the Room of Requirements. Someone else was stating the requirements, but it manifested things he could interact with. Like the lists-- the menus of choices.

Now, it presented him with a series of statues. An arch formed an entrance to the area, and words on it read:

`CHOSE AVATAR`

He noted a small note on one side of the arch's support and leaned in to read it.

_Harry,_

These are characters you can play in the game. There's twelve here; each has a background, strengths, and weaknesses. You can narrow the choices down by speaking-- for example, "just blond avatars" or "no weapons specialists".

Have fun,  
Your host, S.

Come to think of it, Harry _had not_ /asked his host's name. He felt rather rude. Well, she hinted she might pop up. He'd ask her then.

 _Backgrounds and such, huh?_ Harry mused. Well then, there was one particular background he wanted to avoid.

"No Orphans, please."

Words appeared in the air.

`EXCLUDE THOSE HAPPILY ADOPTED / TAKEN IN BY FAMILY?`

Harry thought a moment. While his Aunt and Uncle were bastards to the end, Dudley had eventually come around. And Neville's gran, stern though she was, had done her best...

"Erm... no."

There were several statues left, ten of each gender if he was counting right. Yes, each statue had a male and female version. Another easy choice, he didn't think he could manage "girl".

"The male versions only please."

Now... who to choose.

He walked up to one, depicting a grinning boy in a green jumpsuit. As he focused on the figure, the boy's pronounced eyebrows waggled, and he shifted into a wide legged fighting stance-- horse stance, Harry recalled. He reminded Harry of Bruce Lee. That last summer, when he and Dudley had tentively began to patch things up, his cousin had introduced him to kung fu movies-- a vice Dudley had hidden from his fetishistically normal parents. Both had found Bruce Lee amazing. Bruce Lee often used the "horse stance" as his base stance.

"I will become a great ninja with only Taijutsu!" the boy announced.

Another bit of floating text appeared.

`* **The Taijutsu Prodigy, Rock Lee** : A young man who has trouble using ninjutsu. But his internal chakra control is astounding, allowing him to enhance his strength, speed, and stamina to a stunning degree. With the right teacher, he will live his dream, command the Inner Gates and become his home village of Konoha's newest master of taijutsu!`

  
`Ninjutsu 0.5  
Taijutsu 1.25  
Genjutsu 0.5  
Intelligence 1  
Strength 1.25>  
Speed 1.5  
Stamina 1  
Chakra Control 1  
Chakra Reserve 3 `

 

 **BOOSTS** : Fine Physical Specimen (Strength, Speed, Stamina, Taijutsu 1:0.75 cost)  
 **BUSTS** : Lacking Talent (Ninjutsu, Genjutsu 1:0.1 cost)

 **LEVEL** : D  
 **RANK** : Pre-Accademy

 

Harry found that he was able to get definitions by hitting the underlined words-- and once he deciphered the jargon, he blinked.

This kid wanted to be Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris, in a world were everyone around him was akin to an Auror, using magic for combat.

This kid was the furthest thing from a wizard this game had.

This kid was _perfect_.

"Him," Harry said, pointing.

The statue disappeared-- and he felt energy play over him. A mirror appeared, revealing he now looked like the young Bruce Lee impersonator.

"Has polyjuice beat. Brilliant," he said, then blinked. His voice had changed, too.

`BEGIN GAMEPLAY TUTORIAL?`

Harry smirked. "Sure. Let's learn how to play."

`BEGINING BACKGROUND INFO FEED. INITIALIZING WORLD. RETICULATING SPLINES. POWER TO TURBINES, THROTTLE TO SPEED...`

"... what are you on about--"

And the room fell away, leaving him standing on air.

* * *

A moment later, he stood in a simple hall way with a hand on his shoulder. In front of him was a tall and well-built man with high cheek-bones, thick eyebrows and black hair cut in a bowl style. He wore a green jumpsuit, orange striped leg warmers and what Harry somehow knew to be a standard Konoha flak jacket, currently unzipped. He wore his symbol of alligance to Konoha as a sort of belt buckle on a red sash around his waist.

Occasionally, words would appear, like subtitles explaining something written in a foreign language in some of the better translated kung-fu movies.

"Thank you, Gai-sempai," the voice of the person behind them said. "You sponsoring Lee... well, since I chose not to be a nin..."

"Ha! Worry not, Lo-nii-san! I am sure Lee will do his youthful best for you and his mother, Muzukashai-san! Won't you, Lee-kun!"

"Yes, Maito-sama," Lee found himself saying. Again, as if this were a memory. And he _was_ Rock Lee now. He was not a little voice in the back of Rock Lee's head. While he was in the game... he was not the Boy-Who-Bloody-Lived-to-be-Hyphenated.

He was Rock Lee, son of Rock Lo and Rock Muzukashai. Born and raised in Konoha with all the basic knowledge of a boy born there. He just happened to have the ace of a 17 year old wizarding hero's memories in the back of his mind.

And little floating text that explained his universe to him.

Rock Lee tilted his head back, and saw another tall man, his hair more brown... but with the same bushy eyebrows as he had. As the man before him had. The man behind him-- Rock Lee's father-- smiled proudly. Then Maito Gai spoke again.

"Oh, please, Lee-kun. For the mere taijutsu master of this youthful village, that is too much. Besides, we are cousins, you and I. You MUST call me.... Gai-sensei!"

Rock Lee (who of course understood Rock was his family name) couldn't help but grin as the man gave him a smile of his own and an enthused thumbs up. The pose screamed, "nice guy". "Yes, Gai-sensei!"

Gai grew serious. "Now, in three months you will be nine, and be able to sign up for the academy. I have already discussed your... unique gifts with our leader, the Sandaime Hokage, and he has alerted the Academy that he will attend your exams for genin to judge you worthy of an special dispensation. You have already impressed me with your self training in taijutsu... but to impress the Hokage, you must truly be... a Genius Of Hard Work!"

 _Genin._ Rock Lee found himself musing. _Low Ninja. Those young nin, fresh out of the Ninja Academy, who can now take low level missions. The lowest skill level one can truly claim to be a ninja at. And the Sandaime-- Sarutobi-Hokage-sama. Third Hokage (Fire-Shadow) of Konoha no Sato (Village Hidden in the Leaves), the Shinobi city state that serves Hi no Kuni (Fire Nation). Sarutobi-samma is known as the God of Shinobi. He's VERY respected. He came out of retirement when the Fourth--_

Some of the floating text broke his recall.

`Certain tones of voice and other cues will be your tip off to a possible GOAL-- a chance to gain special skills and standing in the nin world. Some will be given to you directly, and others wait hidden for your ninja skills to reveal.`

Lee thought a moment. What had Gai-sensei just said?

"A... genius of hard work, Gai-sensei?" Lee wondered aloud.

"Ah, Rock Lee! There are those gifted with great natural chakra reserves. There are those that can use-- and even create-- ninjutsu as easy as we slip on our sandles. Every one has their gifts. But for your talents, more than any other-- it will take dedication and training to hone them. Your brilliance will lie in being willing to do that work. In being... a Genius of Hard Work!" Gai finish grandly.

That earned a brief pause. Then:

"Does anyone else hear music?" Lee wondered.

Gai-sensei blushed and scratched under his ear. "Sorry, my youthful sense of the dramatic gets... rather intense at times and I have some custom genjutsu. Rock Lee! Are you willing to put in the work to achieve your dream?"

Lee stood straight and tall as he could. "Yes, Gai-sensei!"

Gai gave his "nice guy" pose again. "Excellent! If you meet this goal, when you are ready... I hope that you and the other two academy-sei that have caught my eye will join me in a year or so as my genin!"

Lee couldn't help but grin. "Thank you, Gai-sensei!"

"To aid you in this, I have prepared a scroll for you with some reccomended training. It is up to you if you wish--"

"Please, Gai-sensei!" Rock Lee said eagerly. "I-- I want to.... no, I will become a great ninja with Taijutsu! I will be a taijutsu master!"

Gai's grin grew less dramatic, and more heartfelt. "With that youthful an attitude, I have no doubt you will." He held out a scroll. As Lee took it, he saw the words **KEY ITEM: Gai's most YOUTHFUL training regieme for Rock Lee.** float over it.

Rock Lee took it, like his other self in life had taken his wand-- like it was a key to a whole new life. But this one without the burden of a prophecy dictating his fate.

This life (even if it was a game), he would help because he wanted to. Because it was right. He was Rock Lee-- he was making his own destiney, based on his own talents.

Lee couldn't restrain himself. It was like throwing off a weak Imperio-- suddenly he had full control of himself-as-Rock-Lee, and he surged foreward, hugging his tall cousin. His...

"Gai-sensei!"

"Rock Lee!" the man said, just as feverently.

When Lee looked up at the older man's face... he saw a softness and care there he'd only seen before in his parents and his beloved, now gone grandfather.

Things Harry Potter had never had.

Once again, everything faded and fell away.

`**ACHIEVED:** _Hidden Goal_ : Taking control (+2 to development pool!)  
 **ACHIEVED:** _Hidden Goal_ : A Sensei is Another Parent (Link: Maito Gai, Mentor)  
 **STARTED GOAL:** Genius of Hard Work  
Complete Gai-sensei's training regime before you enter the Academy!`

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No points for guessing Harry's Host, one of my beta already did. Next bit is interesting, but that's if I get to it.


	3. BASICS: tell

1  
BASICS  
tell

One of the most basic things he knew was that no child should go hungry. Not even this one. In a way, especially this one-- Ebisu could easily imagine one of the few things that would provide the Kyubii with a crack in the Yondaime's master work would be anything that allowed its jailor to doubt, anything that gave the nine tailed menance leverage to convince the boy to open the door willingly. There was a weakness to all jinchuuriki one word long, and that word was "human".

Besides, a few pranks did not a hardened criminal make. The boy was, at worst, lightly delinquent. Nothing a little attention couldn't hone-- he was only six.

Ebisu laid a gentle but firm hand on the boy's shoulder. The boy jerked slightly, which reminded Ebisu of one or two students he had under his tutelage who no longer were on the rolls of their original clans-- moved and renamed for their own safety.

If the clan was lucky, the Hokage let them continue under a lesser charter.

"Shop keeper," Ebisu said firmly, "As you will not serve a child, and in fact ignore him, I find myself forced to go elsewhere for my food. I will have to tell my fellows this, as well."

The shop owner blinked. "Hiruko-san--"

"Spare me any reasoning about 'this child'," Ebisu said firmly. "Basic psychology-- if I allow you to treat just Uzumaki-kun like this, what is to stop you from ignoring another orphan? An Aburame for their bugs? A Yamanaka because you believe the idiotic rumours that they rape minds with eye contact at the drop of a hat? An Uchiha because we all 'know' they plotted the Kyubi's attack? No, this behaviour shames the Leaf. I will not stand for it. Come, Naruto, I'm sure Hokage-sama will appreciate you relating this event to him."

A simple Shunshin had them out the open door and on the roof tops.

"There. I find it odd that you would need to buy a snack. I understand the ophanage makes food available--" Ebisu caught the boy's jaw working. He knelt to Naruto's level, capturing his blue eyes. He'd learned long ago how to make someone understand he was looking them in the eye-- and when to make his shades swallow that gaze, rendering him a fearsome void toward an enemy nin or excuses for missed training.

"Yes?" he prompted.

"No... no one's ever said anything before," Naruto said, one hand reaching to touch where spiky blond hair met nape of neck. "People don't really talk to me that much... besides the old man. People like to ignore me."

Ebisu was about to correct the boy, but decided it was less important than the food issue. Besides, if that was true... then the boy had stiffened not because of systemic abuse. It was because he was used to being ignored and wasn't sure how to handle attention.

"Well, I am willing to talk. And I am wondering-- why must you spend your stipend on food? The orphanage is... feeding you, right?"

The boy's hand once again came to rest on the boy's neck. "Oh, oh, Emu-kasan and the others there make sure I get as much food as they can give me! It's just... I get hungry a lot."

Ebisu frowned. "What did you have for breakfast, then?"

Naruto pursed his lips. "Mmm, today we had steamed rice with nori to wrap it in-- Rita's still getting better from that stomach bug, so she had Okayu... uh, soup with miso and oysters, yum! Some of us had Tamogoyaki, with daikon on the side. Oh, and we got some bristlings in from-- Namo, Nomi--"

"Nami."

"That's it! They were really good. Salt water packed. I like that better than the ones in oil, believe it! Some of the others don't, though, so more fish for me! Oh, and we had pickles too. I like umeboshi."

Ebisu blinked. Well. That was... actually a decent breakfast.

"And for lunch?"

The boy grinned. "Ichiraku's sent RAMEN! Ramen, ramen, ramen-- I had twelve bowls, two miso, an' three pork, and Emu-kaasan made me have one of the Leaf's Garden bowls for every three others." The boy scowled a bit, then brightened. "Not that they're bad, I just like more protein. Maybe if they put tofu in it..."

Ebisu nodded slowly. The issue was not, then, neglect at the orphanage; if anything, the boy's appetite revealed him as a true Uzumaki. Why, the only person he knew of to eat more Ramen was--

Kushina-hime, the tutor realized with a shock.

Ebisu smiled. "So they feed you well, why buy your own food?"

Ebisu looked the boy over as he half listened to Naruto's explanation that he had money, and he didn't want to be greedy or hog food from the others, and so on. Right now he was seeing Uzumaki Kushina's round face and easy smile, and he'd bet the boy when angered could slip between the red heat of his mother annoyed and the cold fury both his parents shared. There was no doubt now-- that hair was not Yamanaka blond, but Namikaze gold. And those eyes promised to one day hold a piercing stare to rival the Yondaime.

This was the son of his sensei and her "Bakakage". Team Kushina might not have been as well known as the Yondaime's trio... but it was for all the right reasons.

His sensei's son was living as an orphan. Never mind the nobility of his heritage-- this was _Kushina-hime's son_.

He could almost feel her knuckles rapping his head. _"Idiot. Call me sensei!"_

"... so, I just think if Jii-jii's giving me this money and he's always treating me to food anyway, I should use it, y'know?"

Ebisu reached out and patted his head. "That, Naruto-kun, is more thoughtful than some your age would care to be."

That glowing smile sealed the deal.

He looked around. "So... perhaps if we pick the Hokage up some Chai barbecue from that store down the way, he'll have a working meal with us so you can tell him what he needs to know and get some food...?"

"Yatta!"

\--

As Naruto left with the Hokage's receptionist (and a vast assortment of empty take-out containers), Ebisu was struck both by how Naruto reacted to her tentative guiding hand and how surprised she was by his smile.

"You do it," Ebisu posited as the door sealed, "and it is the Hokage calming the beast. I do it..."

"From you, it is a respected jounin known to have lost friends and family in the Attack talking to him as a child and treating him as a child."

"Mm. Tokujou."

"Only because you like teaching too much for me to promote you further in peace time," the Professor assured him.

Ebisu fiddled with his shades. "Thank you for that, sir. Hokage-sama, I wish to adopt Kishina-h... Kushina-sensei's son."

The Hokage's raised eyebrow was his only indication he'd surprised the Old Man (only Naruto would call him that to his face, but to his nin, he was the Old Man). Then Sarutobi looked thoughtful. "Is he-- ill-treated at the orphanage?"

It made Ebisu's pride as a nin of Konoha swell. The Hokage did not hem and haw-- Ebisu had figured things out, so the matter had to be dealt with. To the question, Ebisu shook his head. "Most of the staff treat him as another child, from what he says-- save not touching him. Emu-san hugs him and pats his head, as do a few others... but they have dozens to look after. He is not starved, he is not denied a bed... some of the children take up how he is ignored in town, some treat him as just another child. He's actually befriended both Tsume-sama and Shika-sama's sons, and Chouji-kun is warming to him, as well. And it seems Mikoto-hime is also being true to her word-- he has started... 'sparring' with the one they named after your ancestor."

The Hokage smiled. "That in itself is encouraging. A child is a lot to take on, Ebisu. But with your track record with children, I think we can avoid any questions raised. I have but one question."

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"Have you talked to Suzume-kun about this?"

Ebisu would deny "eep"ing later.

\--  
Hiruko-- Another name for the kami Ebisu is named after. The Kami Ebisu is usually pictured as a fisherman who brings wealth and prosperity to those who believe, and watches over the health of young children. It suits the man.

Checking the data books and Narutopedia, I was rather surprised to find Ebisu is actually about a year older than Kakashi-- meaning I could easily make him a member of a peer team of genin under the Yondaime's wife.

Okayu- rice porridge.

Tamagoyaki-- rolled omelet.

Umeboshi-- pickled ume plums.

Bakakage-- Kushina calling Minato her Idiot Kage sounds about right...

Suzume-- She's one of those backgrounders we know so little about, a teacher at the Academy. Why did I pair her with Ebisu? Bluntly, I like their English voice actors. I'm imagining Crispin Freeman and Mary Elizabeth McGlynn bantering in character right now. It's... so... beautiful... And as for the kun-- [I direct you here](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_honorifics#Common_honorifics). At her age (27-29 ish at fic time) some one who knew her as a child and teen can get away with call her Suzume-kun if they do not wish to use the more diminutive -chan. Especially the God Damn Professor God of Shinobi Hokage Twice Over Naruto Calls Him Gramps But You Can Call Him Sir Sarutobi Hiruzen.


End file.
